Family pictures...aren't they great! I'm not talking about those "I caught you cleaning the oven without your three layers of make up!" shots. Those are quick--painless. You can laugh at them on the way home from the Foto Factory. They're you. At your worst. At your best. They're real.

I'm talking about formal family photos. . . the stare down at you from the wall kind. The kind where everyone looks like they just couldn't possibly dream of doing anything more fun-filled, and exhilarating than what they are doing right now in that picture. The ones more akin to, say, having a root canal done. Without pain-killers. That special moment that brings families together--sitting down or standing up, in the same room, and quiet. (A feat to be recorded in the annals of each family history). A photographer's dream. A mother's nightmare.

Preparing everyone for the portrait requires precision, organization, and nerves of polyester. You must begin several hours earlier. Of course, you have to wear the fancy new outfits from Grandma. (The ones that require weeks of ironing to avoid looking like you just flew in from Japan on the red-eye flight.) Dress the kids, supply them with a stack of colouring books and a box of 64 crayons, then bolt them to the sofa. Be prepared for small skirmishes:

"But I don't want a clip in my hair"
"You want it to look nice for Grandma, don't you?"
"Then let Grandma wear the clip!"
"I don't have any matching socks." "It doesn't matter---your feet won't be in the picture." (This is a fore-shadowing).

By the time you're at the studio, in one piece (minus the clip), the stress level is approaching fever pitch. The picture guy places you, twisting your heads and bodies into stiff poses until you feel like Gymnast Barbie. With eyes glued on the camera, Mom whispers out of the side of her smile, "For goodness sake, Sylvester, quit picking your nose and SMILE!" Then the picture guy says those words which kids love to hear, "Mom, you just stand still, look at the camera, and I'll take care of the kids." (Imagine--Mom within spitting distance and not able to do a thing to you!).

When everyone is posed, the picture guy begins waving an interminable number of smile-generating devices in your face. On the way over, your oldest child had informed you that no one is going to pry that sour grimace off her face and force her to wear what everyone else is wearing. But somehow, when that Just-Say-"Cheese" moment comes, everyone smiles at precisely the same Kodak nano-second. I know, I know, you're saying why not go for one of those stress-free, natural-looking shots. I've seen that kind. Everyone is dressed in look-alike denim outfits, fluoride smiles gleaming in the sun, with bodies draped over fence posts and bales of hay. Can't you just hear it?

"I get that bale!"
"No, Mom said I could sit on it"
"Hey look! Milton is all twisted up in the barbed wire! Cool!"
"You know that fence thing? Is it supposed to be standing up?"

The next time you see a formal family portrait stuck on someone's wall and remark, "My, what a lovely family. They look so....together!", think of the grief that went in to making it, and look closely at the Mom. She's probably gritting her teeth and praying for more patience.