(Warning: this article is not all about chocolates and flowers. It is, however, about one of my Valentine’s Days, and how it made me stop and think. Read at your own risk)
We had a run-in with rats one memorable Valentine’s Day (British Columbia gardeners love their compost piles, but so do other creatures, and the past owners didn’t tell us about the hidden woodpile next to the shed). Well, I had the run-in, and then I informed my husband. It then became his run-in, too. He set the bait, and was soon duly rewarded.
I learned that, in person, rats are much bigger than mice. Lest you think me daft, I was already aware of that fact. The key words are, in person.
I learned that I can scream loudly enough for my husband to think I am dying, but not loud enough to be recorded as some freak seismic activity.
I learned that, while it may appear that a rat is running directly at you, he is indeed running past you to his burrow.
I learned that I am still terrified by things that can sprint faster than I can.
I was reminded that I do not need flowers, chocolates, or jewelry to feel loved (if you don’t do sappy, this is when you quit reading). Seeing my husband’s retreating back the next day as he walked off with a shovel and a plastic bag is enough for me. I saw the rat in the trap!
I was reminded that the daily, yucky, boring things of life can produce just as much love and appreciation as big-ticket items, if you let them. Washing the car, making trips to the dump, fixing things I’ve broken, picking the broccoli out of my teeth—or at least telling me about it, which still counts—disposing of unmentionable rodents, listening to me, and other husbandly efforts—these are things that I don’t have to do, things that lighten my load. Are these spectacular things? No. Do I take them for granted and tend to expect them from him? Yes. And, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but if my husband came up to me with a bag of M&M’s and a shovel and asked, “Honey, would you rather have the M&M’s or have me get rid of the rat?”, the chocolate would lose miserably.
Feel like patting me on the head and saying, “This is a nice article, dear, but Clarence and I have been married for 150 years and we have an understanding—he knows how I feel about him—I don’t need to say it.” Or, do you feel like exploding with a list of things your husband doesn’t do and how often he forgets Valentines Day and how you wouldn’t care if you ever got candy or flowers if he would just do something besides sit there?
Here’s the challenge. Make a list of all the things your husband does that help you out (be specific and honest). OK—so it all fits on one side of a sticky note— at least you won’t get writer’s cramp. Put it in a thank-you card (alternate choice: buy him a sympathy card and thank him for putting up with you). Give it to him, along with a big hug, kiss, and an “I love you.” Try it—-it won’t hurt any worse than plucking your eyebrows, but if you should feel faint, sit down and put up your feet. But you don’t know my husband, you say. He does nothing. Unless he is comatose in the back bedroom, he must do something productive. Either you need to get your mind in gear fast and come up with some things, or at least thank him for marrying you (after all, he must have thought that he was getting a deal, right!)
“Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring on another;”
If you’re like me, you can say Romans 12:10 as easily as you can load the dishwasher. That’s what makes it so easy for us to follow, right? The subtitle in my Bible says that verses 9-21 are “In Relation to Society,” but my commentary says that it can be translated, “With brotherly love have family affection for one another, in honor giving place to one another.” Hm-m-m…..family affection— that couldn’t mean husbands and wives, too, could it? We skate over these words like we were on a hardwood floor with socks: “kindly,” “honor,” “preferring”. Then Philippians 2:3 comes along and says “let each esteem others better than themselves.”—ouch! And you thought Valentine’s Day came only once a year. Sorry, girls—every day is Un-Valentine’s Day.
With that little fact written in your day-timer (in pen), let’s move on. Grab a paper bag and breathe into it deeply. I’m for Men’s Lib (breathe, girl!). I’m for Women’s Lib, too. The kind that comes through salvation in Christ, as in 2 Corinthians 5:17-
“Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.”
The passage goes on to talk about being “ambassadors for Christ” and being “made the righteousness of God in Him.” I’m never going to be asked to be the ambassador to Outer Slombovia, but I sure can be one in my own home. And let me tell you, that is one difficult assignment. Not impossible, just difficult. Unfortunately, it’s not made any easier by this: we are practically clobbered over the head with the fallacy that we are to treat men rudely, or, at best, expect them to be our (to use a rodentism) go-fers. Fathers, husbands, pastors are multimedially made to look like doofuses, while the women are smarter, cleverer, and braver (and some may be). She can bring home the low-fat bacon, fry it, and have her man wash the pan. Yes, I realize that every home has their own job-placement system. Maybe you’re better at handling the finances than he is. But it’s often our attitude (not the rose) that bears the thorns. Are we teaching our daughters that “this is how you treat a man?” We are teaching them by our own example, whatever that example is. I can hear you yelling into your paper bag, and you’re right—I don’t know your situation, or your husband. There are those verses in the book of Whymee 19:2-3 that say, “If thou thinkest that thy husband be hopeless, it is thy task to see that he knoweth it. Though shalt yammer at him day and night, and speak to him of all of his wrong-doings. Thou shalt teach thy daughters to yammer also, lest they marry and become weak wives, and allow their husbands to think that he (gasp) ruleth his family. Woe be to the wife if she alloweth her husband to rule over her.”
And, by the way, remember 1 Cor. 5:17—that’s “new” creature, not “shrew” creature. No wonder some men feel the crushing guilt of Valentine’s Day. How would you react being married to one of us shrews all year, then on February 14, suddenly being expected to shower us with tokens of affection? No wonder they forget:
“Is this all I got? One lousy rose? I was expecting a romantic night for shrew (make that two) at a romantic restaurant, when you romantically give me a romantic ring and tell me romantically that you love me all over again… plus a couple boxes of my favorite chocolate and a spa coupon.” Now he’s really feels the romance!
What to do, what to do. We really get into predicaments with these old sin natures, don’t we. We can always go back to another “wood floor and socks” passage, 1 Corinthians 13. If it were an ointment, the directions might read like this: “Liberally apply this soothing salve directly to husband’s bruised heart. Use continuously throughout the day. Refill as often as needed. Contains
-v.4- patience, kindness (don’t give up already!)
-v.5- not rude, self-seeking, easily angered (ouch)
-v. 6- persevere means “remains steadfast in the face of unpleasant circumstances”
-v. 7- God’s love never fails—don’t let yours fail
It’s not your personality to be all mushy? Good news—it doesn’t matter. If God tells us to do something, He’s going to give us the strength to do it (Phil. 4:13, Eph. 3:20)
Well, my tail is told, and not a very ro-rat-ic tail at that (sorry, had to do it). This Valentine’s Day will definitely be remembered as “The Year of the Rat”. But, hopefully, you will be encouraged to try some good, old, wifely love (and yes, Clarence wants to be told, and shown). Now, set your trap for your husband, and give him something to love.
